Sterling will be ten months old this week. I’m literally crying typing this. HOW?! I can’t even fathom that I have an almost one-year-old. If we’re being honest, I think im in denial.
I usually LOVE a plan. Like, im a planner. I love lists, notes, and anything with structure. I thrive this way, and my brain slows down. My anxiety is somewhat calm when there is a plan. Everyone knows this about me, and Ryan has grown to tolerate it (lol) With that being said, I don’t have a SINGLE thing planned for Sterling’s first birthday. No, seriously. I can’t stomach the thought of her becoming a toddler and not being a baby anymore, and it’s all too real lately. My baby is growing up, and im sad.
Im sad that these last ten months have gone by so fast, and im sad that I didn’t cherish it more. I feel like I blinked and she was crawling and teething. The second I started feeling like I could appreciate the slow days of newborn life, they were over. You know those days….the days when the pure survival mode wore off a bit, and a routine started. The days of going back and forth between your bed and the couch. I miss the calmness of her laying on my chest and listening to her breathe. Now we are here, and I have to plan a birthday party. Well, guess what? I don’t freakin’ want too. My heart hurts, and im emotional.
On the flip side, I feel guilty because the pressures of “the perfect birthday” swirl social media. The thoughts of which theme, and what color scheme will look the best on my Instagram feed consume me. All this pressure to showcase the moment my world changed, and the day my life became whole. I SHOULD be planning the most amazing, epic party, but I can’t. Not yet at least. Every time I try and look through Pinterest I start to cry. I know this sounds ridiculous but it’s true. Seeing the beautiful unicorn themed parties, and perfect smash cakes overwhelm me. “How did these mom’s plan all of this?” runs through my mind regularly. Then to top it off I start thinking about the day i gave birth, and the first time i held Sterling and those thoughts make me weep. What is wrong with me?!! Im insanely grateful though and know that this motherhood thing is a process. I know im feeling these feelings for a reason, and that im being pulled towards more quality time. More “quiet” moments with my girl while they last. I don’t want the next ten months to fly by, and me feeling this same way.
So, a little over two months until “THE” day, and ive got nothing. I know ill figure it out soon, but for now i think ill go cuddle my sleeping baby 🙂