I debated if I should write about this or not, but figured it might help me get out of my feelings a bit. Hopefully, this reaches someone who needs this. December 28th will always be a hard day for me, but this year I felt guilty for feeling sad….
Five years ago I lost a piece of myself. My heart was broken in a way I never thought was imaginable, and to this day I can’t explain the pain. Five years ago today, I miscarried. I had a sweet baby growing inside of me and was told: “im so sorry, we don’t hear a heartbeat anymore.” At that moment my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I’m sharing this today because we’re stronger together. Five years later & the pain still feels like it was yesterday. When you lose a child, you lose not only a piece of your heart but also your soul. Christmas is my favorite/saddest holiday because it was my last with you. Except for this year, a part of me feels guilty for missing you so much. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy, amazing daughter that I’m so grateful for. Sterling is so perfect that I feel selfish for grieving the loss of my unborn child. This feeling is so hard to explain because I’m not entirely sure how I feel myself.
How can I be this sad, when I have such an amazing gift right in front of me? This is a question I’ve been asking myself all day.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post, but I do know I don’t ever want to forget the memories of my angel baby. I don’t want to forget how scared, happy, and anxious 19 year old me was. I don’t want to forget the heartache I felt because it reminds me I can survive anything. Regardless of the pain, that event has truly helped shaped me as a person. Today, I’m 10000 x more grateful for Sterling than I think I would be if the miscarriage never happened.
I’m processing, mourning, and celebrating my angel baby all on my own terms today, and that’s OK. I’m holding Sterling tighter than usual and letting her know how loved she is. Im an emotional wreck today, but it’s alright. I’m looking at my daughter and wondering if my angel baby was anything like her. I imagine my life with a 4 & half-year-old, and a newborn. The what if’s and why me’s are running through my head. I have to stop myself though because, without that moment in time, I could of never have had Sterling. Without that loss, I wouldn’t have gained this love.
So say a prayer for all the moms out there with babies with wings today, including me.
12•28•2011 Forever in my heart.